I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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