He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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