I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
