Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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