Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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