after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
