Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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