Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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