Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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