Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
