the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
