I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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