You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I didn't shave. On purpose
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
