I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
