Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
