i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
