I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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