Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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