Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
