you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
