I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Terrible idea I love it
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
