I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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