wrigley field is MILF paradise
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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