turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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