why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
