cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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