cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
