Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
