I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
