I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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