i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
