You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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