you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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