i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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