I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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