The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
