she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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