i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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