i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Randomize
