Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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