I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My ass is underappreciated
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
