He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
