go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
