Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
