I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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