Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Come share oat with me in your robe
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
