I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
