Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
two words: eviction party
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
