So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
