We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
