On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
