between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
PANTIES FOUND
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