she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
